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Wednesday 29th May 2024

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Can Men And Women Just Be Friends??


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I'm trying to figure out whether a girl who is married and has two children was ever my true friend in the first place as she's not been around for just over a year now.  She got quite nasty with yours truly for sharing good news that DWP had decided to give me an extra £45 a week to look after myself based on losing one's Mam's practical help being disabled from birth like I am.  Thought I was rubbing things in her face!!  I'd travelled thirty miles on a bus to see her.  Said my piece at the time which was at her work in a betting shop.  Reported us to her boss.  I kinda got told off by him but ain't seen or spoken with her since.  We were SO CLOSE after my Mam died as a result of the secondary Brain cancer and she more than anybody helped me through our heartache.  So conflicted because doesn't even answer a text message at Christmas or on her Birthday now. 


We had words over her husband coming to a shopping trip to Metro Centre the day before we were going as she'd not even mentioned it.  Point was I'd waited EIGHT MONTHS for this day out as never really got chance to spend any quality time with her in bookies as it was.  Stupidly in a text told her I loved the lass but people say silly things at the wrong time and only probably spouted above declaration as wanted her attention to the problem we were going through at time.  Seemed to get over this after she lost a baby five months through gestation period but again find ourselves gone over a year without contact hence don't know what to make of it all anymore.  We bought her a couple of paranormal romance books and Map Scarves of Rome and Paris (two places she'd like to go before dying) as a way of repaying the favour she did when Mam passed.  She wrote me a wee note on some old newspaper thanking one for the presents and here was something in return but wasn't to open it until I got home. She'd bought me a No Fear rucksack. 


I had folk that went into bookies tell me she was only doing what she was doing when my Mam died to make herself look good in front of other people.  I'd be gutted if there was any truth to this theory.  She would send me text messages at half past two in the morning telling SeeBass she was going to get a glass of water from the kitchen and was for a ten month timespan sending us postcards through letterbox but claiming I had a stalker and she knew nothing of what I was talking about.  Some of the messages were quite deep in our opinion.  17th Century Poetry on me losing four and a half grand at the bookies on two year anniversary of Mam's death.  Even took over texting me at Aberdeen matches from my Mam.  You know had I got there OK, what was the game like, what was I having for dinner at the hotel that sort of thing.  Really miss all that small stuff with her.  I adored this girl like you'll never believe but would be heartbroken if it had been fake all along.  I thought she would provide me with an alternative relationship to the one I had with Mam.  Different but one that would sustain me and I could relish in for life.




Hey there Seabass.

Sorry to hear that you feel that you may have lost a friend.


Reading between the lines it sounds like you may have feelings for this lady that may be stronger than just friendship. I might be wrong about that, but ask yourself honestly if this is the case and deal with it if that is so.

If that is the case, then leave alone.

As we pass through life, friends come and go in one form or another. We take what we can from these friendships and if we are lucky, some last a lifetime. A lot do not. "It's life Jim but not as we know it"


Again, reading between the lines she may have been sending mixed signals that you misinterpreted or misunderstood.

As others have alluded to here, women are impossible for the male species to fully understand.


I have 2 daughters and 4 great grand daughters and at times I've felt like I live on a different planet to them.


Back to your original subject about being friends with the opposite sex, In general men and women can be friendly and friends by that.

Men by nature are "dogs" and most, given the opportunity would stray if they knew they wouldn't be caught.


I have some female friends.....or at least women I can have a coffee or drink with, but if they were single, I'd maybe think differently.

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Saw a therapist when I went through a divorce 12 years ago, gave me the best advice. You may never get the answers you want, never get clarity, and always be left wondering. Deal with that, accept it, and move on. Let it/them go. She may have no clue why she did things either so have no answer for you, or she doesn't want to admit why. Regardless, it's on you to let it go and move on. Harsh but true!

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      Your theory has been suggested to me once or twice before.  I can't believe she wasn't pleased I am now an extra £45 a week better off because one don't have my Mam's practical help anymore.  Not had an apology for being so horrible in the 14 months since it happened which says to me she obviously meant her comment.  Not sure I need so called friends like that eh??

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Harsh but true!


I don't consider it harsh at all. The truth is just the truth and yes there is harshness in the world.


That was excellent advice. Common sense to someone who has studied/studies/is interested in the human condition with the proviso that common sense is not that common.


The need to let go works for a couple of reasons at least. We can't allow our mental health to be affected by things we have no control over. Moving on fits with the need to understand and compartmentalise.

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I think the best advice I could give on any kind of relationship is simply that if you find that the other person involved is consistently a toxic influence on your life then limit your contact with them as much as feasibly possible.  Strike them off as a lost cause and instead of wasting time and energy on them focus it on relationships that you cherish and nurture those instead.


Sadly this advice doesn't seem to work with football clubs, I'm looking at you here AFC:laughing:

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It feels as if she's one of these people who think they can say and do as they please without ever accepting responsibility for their actions.  I'm particularly disappointed how things have turned out considering that she was there for me at our lowest ebb when Mam died from secondary Brain Cancer after just 56 days.  For somebody who is supposed to be my friend I think she has a funny way of showing it.  How can you be mates with somebody when the only contact you have with that person is at their place of work??  Don't hate the girl just quite sad we can't even communicate with each other properly.  Although not through the lack of trying on my part.   

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OK, now I'm more confused than ever.


Having been dumped (see earlier) said woman sends a text on Sunday asking if I'd like to go for a meal this week, so we went out last night (Thursday). I'm thinking, well I loaned her 2 books she probably just wants to return them and is being "nice".


Nope, no books, very enjoyable time, fair bit of appropriate hand touching etc. Come the end of the meal and it's been made clear she'd like to do this again so I offer to pay with the "well you can pay next time" just to make sure I'm not reading this wrong. Ok says she.

How about you come to my house for Chinese take out?

OK says the bold MBT.

How about tomorrow (Friday/tonight) as neither of us has work on Saturday so we don't have to get up early?

OK says a slightly WTF is going on MBT

You'll have to accept I'll be in my relaxing comfort joggers and hair tied up mode, but we can eat and watch a film on Netflix

Aye sure says a now really what the hell signals am I getting here MBT

Why don't you bring a change of clothes so you can relax too?

Ok says a now totally what fucking planet am I on as it's abviously one where males aren't supposed to have a clue about anything.


Big hugs, walk arm in arm back to her car, few kisses then see you tonmorrow.


Does anyone, even women, know WTF goes on in their heads? :dunno::eek:


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The situation is ongoing in a positive direction :wave:


This is the advantage of having an online community, particularly a NE Scotland one, to draw upon.


When Al mentioned Carpe Diem, I was reminded of Dead Poets Society, one of the first films that the Mrs and I went to see together, well before we married. Ironically featuring the now dead genius talent of Robin Williams.


Instinct and following feeling more than rationalisation and understanding, and always having the humility to know that there is much we will never know. This can be difficult for certain professions, scientists and teachers in particular being paid to know stuff. It's only armed with the knowledge that we can't understand it all that we start to see things more clearly. Like women are unfathomable but beautiful and necessary and like wild horses, need much time and love investment before we can ride them properly and get from there to here with greater efficiency.

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