glasgow sheep Posted May 11, 2009 Share Posted May 11, 2009 http://www.guardian.co.uk/sport/blog/2009/may/11/premier-league-relegation-battle Relegation hyperbole reaches a new level of massiveness The end-of-season must-win football drama is too massive for the English language to manage This is the time of the year when football adopts the language of WWE wrestling, when every day is Judgment Day, when you switch on the TV to watch a bit of live football and find yourself witness to some of the most significant events in the history of western civilisation. Scarcely had we recovered from the Scandal of Stamford Bridge, which was so scandalous the ref had to be moved to a new hotel (possibly a Travelodge, not for his own safety but because it is the Uefa-sanctioned punishment for underperforming. Want shampoo? You ain't got it), than it was time for Drama in the Docklands, commentator Ian Darke's label for the League One play-off between Millwall and Leeds at the New Den. Darke, veteran of countless big fight nights, speaks this language fluently, but I am not so sure about James Richardson on Setanta, who has dubbed today Must-win Monday, a reference to the channel's live coverage tonight of Newcastle-Middlesbrough. As the last six matches for both teams have been described as "must-wins", this did seem to be underselling the cataclysmic once-in-a-lifetime mustwinningness of the evening. It is, of course, a "massive match", as I am sure James is aware, but then so are most of the games involving teams at the bottom of the table at this time of the year, so I was grateful to Setanta pundit Kevin Gallacher for rather neatly distinguishing tonight's clash from all those other "massive" matches by declaring it a "massive massive" match. Under Fifa rules, two massives is the maximum number permitted to be applied to any game, although I believe Sky reserve the right to deploy the three massive option for the Championship play-off final. I was wondering if there was a reference in popular culture James could have employed to encapsulate the massive mustwinningness of tonight's game, but beyond the old blues song Stormy Monday, I was struggling. Short of borrowing Monday Night Raw from the world of pro wrestling, we may be stuck with Must-win Monday. To help us understand the dimensions of tonight's encounter in the north-east, Setanta's Friday Football Show had a report from regional station Real Radio, where Malcolm Macdonald hosts a phone-in show called The Legends, a local-radio term for anybody who played more than half-a-dozen games for the local club. It looked an entertaining show, and it was instructive to see how outspoken the Legends were compared with the mealy mouths on TV. Bernie Slaven, ex-Middlesbrough, summed up the state of play in the north-east perfectly ("They say this is a hot-bed of football. It's more like the sickbed of football") while a caller to Micky Horswill, representing Sunderland, cheerfully described Craig Gordon as "a bag of spanners". I am not sure what he meant, but it is the kind of muscular invective you rarely hear on Match Of The Day, for instance. Supermac, himself, was uncompromising on the subject of Joey Barton: "It doesn't do the dressing room any good when you bring a convict into it," he said, "I wouldn't want one in the studios here where I work." If hyperbole is not your thing, however, how about bathos, my favourite figure of speech? Looks like bath, sounds like one of The Three Musketeers, what is not to like? My guaranteed destination for bathos is Transworld Sport on Sky, as in: "Berlin, one of the world's most captivating cities. While Berlin's architecture and open-air spaces reflect a city at peace with itself, the German capital's history is more turbulent. Captured by Soviet forces at the end of the second world war, the city was split into West and East Berlin by the allies. In 1961, amid the tensions between the two sides, the Soviet-controlled East built the Berlin Wall, a 140-kilometre structure that would divide the city for the next 28 years. "Twenty years after the wall came down, battle lines are once again being drawn ... ", wait for it, " ... as the final four of European basketball's top club competition come to town." I am a bit of a collector of Transworld Sport intros, which is a game you can join in with at home, even creating your own. An intro to tonight's match, for instance, might go something like: "As international capitalism goes into meltdown bringing with it the threat of widespread civil unrest, and the swine flu pandemic threatens the health of millions, Steven Taylor faces a late fitness test for Newcastle." Not, you understand, that I am in any way underestimating the massiveness of the evening. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BobbyBiscuit Posted May 11, 2009 Share Posted May 11, 2009 read that earlier, had to laugh. It's pretty much spot on. Actually quite looking forward to this game. Should be massive. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
glasgow sheep Posted May 11, 2009 Share Posted May 11, 2009 read that earlier, had to laugh. It's pretty much spot on. Actually quite looking forward to this game. Should be massive. Super massive black hole to division one awaiting the loser Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigAl Posted May 11, 2009 Share Posted May 11, 2009 TOON TOON Time to turn o'er Funster's second team Shearer's first three points beckons Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
minijc Posted May 11, 2009 Share Posted May 11, 2009 Wanting newcastle to win have them on to win-1 goal at 13/5. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigAl Posted May 11, 2009 Share Posted May 11, 2009 Wanting newcastle to win have them on to win-1 goal at 13/5. C'mon, 17th place beckons Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BobbyBiscuit Posted May 11, 2009 Share Posted May 11, 2009 Could see this being fuck all each. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
minijc Posted May 11, 2009 Share Posted May 11, 2009 Could see this being fuck all each. Da be sayin at min, need this up to play for my addiction I have developed since turning 18. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BobbyBiscuit Posted May 11, 2009 Share Posted May 11, 2009 Da be sayin at min, need this up to play for my addiction I have developed since turning 18. Gas cookers? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kowalski Posted May 11, 2009 Share Posted May 11, 2009 Could see this being fuck all each. Fingers crossed Gas cookers? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
minijc Posted May 11, 2009 Share Posted May 11, 2009 Gas cookers? Nah, developed a wee habit where i go to the bookies every sunday afternoon and shit in there for 3 hours punting away, it's the best pay to get rid of my extra money. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BobbyBiscuit Posted May 11, 2009 Share Posted May 11, 2009 Nah, developed a wee habit where i go to the bookies every sunday afternoon and shit in there for 3 hours punting away, it's the best pay to get rid of my extra money. what the fuck have you been eating? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kowalski Posted May 11, 2009 Share Posted May 11, 2009 Nah, developed a wee habit where i go to the bookies every sunday afternoon and shit in there for 3 hours punting away, it's the best pay to get rid of my extra money. How much did you pay for this personal trainer? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
minijc Posted May 11, 2009 Share Posted May 11, 2009 what the fuck have you been eating? Obviously meant sit, lol. Kow, i was £500, think i'll get him again once this block is up. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigAl Posted May 11, 2009 Share Posted May 11, 2009 Fingers crossed Off fuck........BOOOOOOOOOOOO -1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigAl Posted May 11, 2009 Share Posted May 11, 2009 Oh fuck off....................what a fucking start Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigAl Posted May 11, 2009 Share Posted May 11, 2009 Nah, developed a wee habit where i go to the bookies every sunday afternoon and shit in there for 3 hours punting away, it's the best pay to get rid of my extra money. Post of the day Mini Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kowalski Posted May 11, 2009 Share Posted May 11, 2009 Oh fuck off....................what a fucking start 0-1 after 3 minutes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigAl Posted May 11, 2009 Share Posted May 11, 2009 0-1 after 3 minutes. Going for 0-30 then Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigAl Posted May 11, 2009 Share Posted May 11, 2009 FECKING GET IN THERE YA BEAUTY Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kowalski Posted May 11, 2009 Share Posted May 11, 2009 Must be a good game. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BobbyBiscuit Posted May 11, 2009 Share Posted May 11, 2009 Could see this being fuck all each. LOL!!11 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigAl Posted May 11, 2009 Share Posted May 11, 2009 Off fuck........BOOOOOOOOOOOO -1 One each in more way than one Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kowalski Posted May 11, 2009 Share Posted May 11, 2009 One each in more way than one Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigAl Posted May 11, 2009 Share Posted May 11, 2009 [move]C'mon the Toon[/move] Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
️ Come on you Reds! 
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