BobbyBiscuit Posted April 28, 2008 Share Posted April 28, 2008 A feature from yesterday's Sunday Herald by Bryan Cooney... worth a read. ALAN Sugar, together with the silent but deadly Nick Hewer, pay an imaginary visit to Pittodrie just before Aberdeen's Scottish Cup semi-final against Queen of the South, recording a celebrity edition of The Apprentice for the BBC. Competing for a place in the tycoon's workforce are Stewart Milne, Willie Miller, Barry Nicholson, Jackie McNamara, Lee Miller and, of course, Jimmy Calderwood. The Sunday Herald has managed to secure a transcript... SUGAR: I've got to say you lot don't impress me one bit. Against all the odds, you're one match from getting back into Europe and yet there's about as much life in you as a box of haddocks. Let's begin with you, Lee. Give me one good reason why I shouldn't aim you out... LEE MILLER: Hey, hang on, Alan. Ah'm top scorer. SUGAR: Sir Alan to you, mush. Top scorer? That don't mean Jack s***. It's a major event when you score. Brass bands begin to play. And, know what, it happens about often as Gordon Brown tells the truth. LEE MILLER: That's no' fair, Sir Alan. I win a lot of balls in the air... SUGAR: That maybe so, but what's the use of winning balls if they don't go to one of your mates, eh? Look, I've seen the videos. You ain't exactly greased lightning, you're lazy, you don't track back. Also, you have the most God-awful barnet. You're fired! LEE MILLER: Fine, Alan. I wiz planning on leavin' anyway. Sugar turns his baleful stare towards McNamara. SUGAR: So what's your story, my son? McNAMARA: Listen, ah've just aboot had it up tae ma sinuses with this little circus ... it's no' exactly Chipperfields, is it? SUGAR: Well, why don't you leave? McNAMARA: Ah'll be leavin' right enough, once ah've sorted out a couple of clowns ... it'll no' be long... SUGAR: Which couple of clowns? No, forget that question. You don't need to be Inspector Barnaby to answer that one. I'm not impressed, my son. They should name the A94 after you. Whoever heard of a 34-year-old player being allowed to live 150 miles away from his club and be allowed to commute on a daily basis? Which numptie sanctioned that? Anyway, no more excuses, you're fired! Four interviewees remain in the boardroom. Miller's number is next called. SUGAR: What do you do around here? MILLER: Ah'm director of football, Sir Alan. SUGAR: From what I've seen, you might have difficulty directing traffic up a one-way street! Don't you and your mate, Calderwood, keep selling pups to the fans.. .promising them this and that? Didn't you tell them you'd be getting great young stars out of Africa and America? Where are they all? MILLER: Yes, but... SUGAR: Still in Africa and America, I would warrant. And what about sponsorship? Why can't you get a decent sponsorship in an oil-rich city? You should be on a nice little earner here. By the way, have you been on to The Donald yet? No, not Ian, you berk! Donald Trump! Doesn't he need a bit of goodwill? Don't you see an opening there? Are there any lights on? No, it doesn't wash, son. You're fired! Sugar fixes Milne with a stare. SUGAR: So what's your story, Stewart? MILNE: One of pure toil, sweat and hardship, Sir Alan. No-one knows how much money I've poured into this club. SUGAR: That's the whole point. No-one knows. But it can't be helluva much. Look, they say you're worth £250 million-plus. The interest on that little lot alone would make this club tick like a Swiss time piece. Just down the road, you have a man who has about a tenth of your assets, and he's poured £5m into Dundee United. You, my son, are entitled to feel well ashamed of yourself. MILNE: But you don't know the whole story, Sir Alan. SUGAR: I don't, but the fact is I'm bleedin' bored with it already. You're fired! Only two candidates remain in the boardroom now. But there seems to be a resignation note printed on Calderwood's face. It may just be See You Jimmy time. SUGAR: To give things a local flavour, this cup semi final should be your get-out of (Craiginches card ... but, looking at you, I'm not so sure. I'm in thinking of your movement in the transfer market and how you and Miller have squandered a fortune by allowing players to go out of contract. What's that all about? CALDERWOOD: Well, Sir Alan, it's the board. They've been ... how can ah put it? A massive disappointment. Yeah, massive. Aye, they've have been tighter than a duck's backside and that carries guarantees of being watertight. SUGAR: From where I'm sitting, son, you're the large disappointment. The way I hear it, you'd have been delighted to shift your arse from Pittodrie not so long ago. People have told me you were absolutely desperate to get a job in the Championship. When it didn't happen, you signed a contract with Aberdeen. Tell me I've got it wrong... CALDERWOOD: That's a massive amount of bollocks, Sir Alan. SUGAR: OK, speaking of bollocks, you can keep your hands on the table and stop scratching your museum pieces right now. It's disrespectful. So what about the players you've brought to this club? How do you justify them? CALDERWOOD: Well, Sir Alan, I'll admit some of the present bunch have been a big disappointment. SUGAR: Some? If anyone's a disappointment, it's you, son. I like you but I can't sustain you. You should get out of jail against Queen of the South and if you don't, the only alternative should be to fall on your sabre. But, as far as I'm concerned, you already have. You're fired! Nick Hewer, so far silent, turns deadly. HEWER: Well, Sir Alan, that leaves only Barry Nicholson. But he's out of contract and it looks as if he'll be leaving Pittodrie anyway. He's maybe not the most appropriate of candidates for The Apprentice. SUGAR: Well, Bazza. It's not that you're so much better than the rest, it's just that you can play a bit and you've turned out to be the least incompetent. So you'll be put on the Armstrad wage bill. Two thousand Sovs a week. Nice, eh, son? No more Calderwood, no more Milne, no more Miller. You're hired! After months of indecision, Barry Nicholson comes to an instant decision. He senses it will not please this cockney Torquemada, but he knows it makes absolute sense. NICHOLSON: Begging your pardon, Sir Alan, if it's all right with you ... I'd, er, like to stay at Pittodrie... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Superstar Tradesman Posted April 28, 2008 Share Posted April 28, 2008 Let me get this right..... THAT was actually printed in a national newspaper? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rocket_scientist Posted April 28, 2008 Share Posted April 28, 2008 Kwolity with a Kapital K. I could hear Sir Alan speaking! Brilliant. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kowalski Posted April 28, 2008 Share Posted April 28, 2008 That's worse than Charlie Allan. Typical west coast shite. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BobbyBiscuit Posted April 28, 2008 Author Share Posted April 28, 2008 That's worse than Charlie Allan. Typical west coast shite. Cooney is a Dons fan, ex Season Ticket holder. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
El Padre™ Posted April 28, 2008 Share Posted April 28, 2008 That's worse than Charlie Allan. Typical west coast shite. Aberdeen rarely make the papers here so this west coast media thing is just a fantasy. We have to have success before the media outside of Aberdeenshire has reason to snipe at us. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
manc_don Posted April 28, 2008 Share Posted April 28, 2008 I found that quite amusing. Is Mad that have an article in Herald every weekend? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigAl Posted April 28, 2008 Share Posted April 28, 2008 To be honest it actually mildly amused me. Think we need to lighten up a little at times and have a laugh at ourselves. do however share ST's viewpoint in being surprised that this was printed in an alleged quality newspaper. would have been more appropriate in something like the NOTW. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BobbyBiscuit Posted April 28, 2008 Author Share Posted April 28, 2008 To be honest it actually mildly amused me. Think we need to lighten up a little at times and have a laugh at ourselves. do however share ST's viewpoint in being surprised that this was printed in an alleged quality newspaper. would have been more appropriate in something like the NOTW. When I read it yesterday i thought the same, but, I think the underlying point of it is still relevant, and basically says what a lot of us think. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harcus Posted April 28, 2008 Share Posted April 28, 2008 i bought the Herald yesterday, mainly because it had a free pizza at Dominos voucher. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SWA Posted April 28, 2008 Share Posted April 28, 2008 There's nae much rang wi that article though, pretty much fit we're a thinkin Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest fatshaft Posted April 28, 2008 Share Posted April 28, 2008 That's worse than Charlie Allan. Typical west coast shite. QFT Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TENEMENTFUNSTER Posted April 28, 2008 Share Posted April 28, 2008 Absolutely dreadful stuff. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest bloo_toon_red Posted April 28, 2008 Share Posted April 28, 2008 Beats the hell out of the conventional beration we get from other media outlets like Gerry McNee and Charlie Nicholas. I found it amusing. And 100% on the button. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TENEMENTFUNSTER Posted April 28, 2008 Share Posted April 28, 2008 Beats the hell out of the conventional beration we get from other media outlets like Gerry McNee and Charlie Nicholas. So does lavvy graffiti but that shouldn't be in "quality" newspapers. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest bloo_toon_red Posted April 28, 2008 Share Posted April 28, 2008 So does lavvy graffiti but that shouldn't be in "quality" newspapers. I couldn't give a fuck if it was in Razzle, I think some folk need to lighten up. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
manc_don Posted April 28, 2008 Share Posted April 28, 2008 I couldn't give a fuck if it was in Razzle, I think some folk need to lighten up. totally agree BTR, the underlying message is something we are all thinking about. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigAl Posted April 28, 2008 Share Posted April 28, 2008 I couldn't give a fuck if it was in Razzle, I think some folk need to lighten up. Already said as much. I'm with you on this one And to think they say the tattie munchers suffer from paranoia Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
El Padre™ Posted April 28, 2008 Share Posted April 28, 2008 Keep in mind this is the Herald we're talking about. Its not as highbrow as people would like to think. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Holyjoe Posted April 28, 2008 Share Posted April 28, 2008 Bryan Cooney Any relation to Mr. Cooney of auld auld AFC Chat fame? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slim Posted April 28, 2008 Share Posted April 28, 2008 Any relation to Mr. Cooney of auld auld AFC Chat fame? Not sure about that as his latest moniker is slagging off the article on the Hat. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TENEMENTFUNSTER Posted April 28, 2008 Share Posted April 28, 2008 Already said as much. I'm with you on this one And to think they say the tattie munchers suffer from paranoia I just didn't think it was very good, way short of it in fact. Clearly a case of being paranoid. The Herald ISN'T very highbrow as you say Padre (It canny be if Darryl Clubfoot "writes" for them) but FFS this was a really crap piece that really shouldn't have got any column inches. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigAl Posted April 28, 2008 Share Posted April 28, 2008 Different takes on matters are what make a good forum....one where if you share a differing opinion to the mods you're comments are still made welcome and treated with respect...... well in most cases unless you're TF who patently is just wrong Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Holyjoe Posted April 28, 2008 Share Posted April 28, 2008 Not sure about that as his latest moniker is slagging off the article on the Hat. JazzerBett, I presume? I've had my suspicions in the past... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TENEMENTFUNSTER Posted April 28, 2008 Share Posted April 28, 2008 Different takes on matters are what make a good forum....one where if you share a differing opinion to the mods you're comments are still made welcome and treated with respect...... well in most cases unless you're TF who patently is just wrong In sooooo many different ways. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
️ Stand Free! 
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.