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Scottish Premiership:

Celtic v Aberdeen

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1. The Herring Gull (Larus argentatus) flocks over pittodrie can reach numbers in excess of 50 gulls at any one time.

2. Don't spend too long eating yer pie or said Herring Gulls will sense dinner and head in for the kill.

3. It's a long way from the top of section Y to the bottom when you're tumbling head over heels.

4. Football is not worth the £21 ticket.

5. If you stand at the top of section Y your shadow is cast onto the pitch

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9. You get a better class of lunatic in Section Y than you do in the top deck of the RDS.

 

10. Games in which Aberdeen are at home to teams from lower in the league whom we're expected to beat are invariably dreadful, disappointing affairs which end in draws.

 

11. NEVER, EVER include Aberdeen on a fixed-odds coupon (see #10).

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24. To people standing at the top of Section Y - the Pittodrie pitch is the most unique in that there is no corner at the junction of the Merkland and Main Stands.

 

25. If Aberdeen have to raise their game, they will win

 

26. If Aberdeen are favourites, they will lose

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29. It is unreasonable to expect the club to sign a genuine, dedicated and decent left-back.

 

30. I am now 30 years old and have given up all hope of the Dons winning at Ibrox again in my lifetime.

 

31. There is more than one way to skin a Ricky Foster.

 

32. Funny, inventive and original chants about AFC players are to be treated with a mixture of suspicion and fear. All chants about players must consist only of a monotonous drone in which the player's name is incanted ad nauseam as if trying to put a curse on said player instead of sing his praises.

 

33. If someone attempts to start a funny, inventive and original chant about a player he must be drowned out with the usual quasi-Satanic drivel.

 

34. AFC do not win games comfortably. Even in matches where we have played the other team off the park and are winning 3-0 with 20 minutes to go, it is obligatory that there will be a fluke goal for the opposition leading to panicky defending, 14 men behind the ball and heart failure for those of us watching from the stands.

 

35. There will be no steak pies left by the time you reach the front of the queue, so don't even ask [has anyone actually successfully procured one of these mythical items? Do they in fact exist? If so, do you have to reserve them prior to kick-off, or perhaps several days in advance? Please enlighten me].

 

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The pain that women experience during childbirth is nothing compared to pain AFC have inflicted on their fans in the past 20 years.  Therefore number 37 is that I can only conclude that the modern Aberdeen fan is a  masochist.

 

38.  Stuart milne is bald but used to wear a silly wig

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