Linford Christie goes to a golf club, nice day and he fancies a round. The man on the door stops him before he can get in. "Sorry mate, we don't let your type in here", "What do you mean my type?" Linford replies. "Just your type mate, but theres a club 30 minutes down the road that'll let you play". Linford is in shock and replies "Do you know who I am? I'm Linford fucking Christie"............ "Fucks sake fair enough, 10 minutes down the road you cheeky cunt"

I beat my wife at Dominos the other night...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

...that'll be the last time she tries to choose the toppings.

 

:-/

From now on any higlights of the England V Germany game will now be shown on gaytv as the sight of 11 arseholes getting pumped for nintey minutes has been deemed too pornographic for MOTD

At first I thought the sunglasses and counselling being offered to the Chilean miners was a bit OTT.

 

Can spending months in a deep, dark, smelly hole really leave you blind and with mental problems?

 

Then I remembered Harvey Price.

Tough game for Liverpool at the weekend.

 

 

 

Football.

A young girl goes to see Santa.  Santa says "My you're very tall"

She says "Yes I'm 16"

He says "That's OK, Santa talks to all children.  What do you want for Christmas?"

She says "I'm quite embarrassed to ask."

"Don't be silly" say Santa.

She says "I want some hairs on my fanny!"

Santa says "Do you mind if they are white?"

Women are like parking spaces.  Normally all the good ones are taken.  So, occasionally, when no one's looking, you have to stick it in a disabled one.

There's nothing worse than waking up in the morning and not remembering the girl's name. Or where you met. Or why she's dead.

There's nothing worse than waking up in the morning and not remembering the girl's name. Or where you met. Or why she's dead.

 

Was this her?

 

surprised ive not seen any of these on here yet

 

Ellen McArthur is said to be gutted after her round the world yachting record was broken today by a japanese waiter on top of a coffee table

 

My Japanese girlfriend just dumped me.

Never mind, there's plenty more in the sea

 

Dont send any money in for the japanese tsunami appeal. They are fucking minted. I've just seen a bloke on tv getting interviewed outside and he has two fucking massive boats on his drive

? Saddam Hussein ? Osama Bin Laden ? Neil Lennon

Kate McCann's got a nice tan, must have been lying in the sun all week.

I certainly won't beheading to Tenerife anytime soon.

A book just fell on my head. I've only got my shelf to blame.

A book just fell on my head. I've only got my shelf to blame.

 

+1 for so daft it's funny 

Reports of both paedophilia and bestiality are coming in from Manchester. Apparently over 70,000 witnessed the raping of a frog and 11 kids.

Last time someone wearing a Man U strip got so badly fucked Ian Huntley got sent down for it.

What do Colonel Gadaffi and Freddie Mercury have in common?

 

They both died after some guy shot into their sewage pipe!

What's black and got 2 broken arms?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Gadaffi's sunglasses.

 

Whats shit and read

 

All Uk Tabloaids!

Me and my daughter were watching a film when she turned and said "Is that woman going to die daddy?"

I replied "Judging by the size of that horses cock, I would say she will love!"

 

What's black and got 2 broken arms?

 

Racist

Video killed the radio star.

So the radio killed a nurse.

Breaking News. Nurse Jucintha Sadanhas has turned up safe and well.

 

In a phone call to an Australian radio broadcaster she said "Beat that for a fuckin wind up"

When my new Indian girlfriend said I could give her a facial, I nearly came on the spot.