Linford Christie goes to a golf club, nice day and he fancies a round. The man on the door stops him before he can get in. "Sorry mate, we don't let your type in here", "What do you mean my type?" Linford replies. "Just your type mate, but theres a club 30 minutes down the road that'll let you play". Linford is in shock and replies "Do you know who I am? I'm Linford fucking Christie"............ "Fucks sake fair enough, 10 minutes down the road you cheeky cunt"

Dear Jonathon Ross,

 

I've shagged your daughter.  Who's laughing now!

 

Lots of love,

 

Gary Glitter

 

A nigger and an apple fall from a tree at the same time.  Which one hits the ground first?

 

 

 

The apple...

 

 

 

 

....

 

 

 

 

 

....

 

 

 

 

 

the rope stopped the nigger.

 

 

5 signs you may be a tliban

 

1.  You have more wives than teeth;

2.  You own a £5000 rocket, but can't afford shoes;

3.  You refine heroin but have a moral objection to beer;

4.  You think vest come in two types: bullet proof and suicide, and;

5.  You wipe your arse with your hand, but consider bacon unclean.

Ross and Brand have been placed on the Sachs Offenders Register.

Little girl runs into the bathroom and her dad is in the shower, she points at his cock and says "Daddy when will I get one of those between my legs"

The dad replies,

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"In about 5 minute when your mum goes to the bingo"   

 

Be warned. I know i'm already going to hell for saying these don't let you.....

 

Whats the difference between a truck full of bowling balls and a truck full of dead babies.

 

You can't unload the bowling balls with a pitch fork.

 

 

Whats 16 inches long and makes women scream all night?

 

Cot death

 

 

What's got 4 legs and an arm?

 

A rotweiler in a nursery.

 

 

What's blue and orange and sits at the bottom of a swimming pool?

 

A baby with burst armbands.

 

 

A woman comes home to find her husband in bed with a female midget. Furious, she screams 'you promised me you wouldn't cheat on me again!' The husband says 'For fuck sake can't see you see I'm trying to cut down!?'

 

 

My wife told me to make love like in the movies. So I stuck it in her arse & came on her face. She got mad with me. I guess we don't watch the same movies!

 

 

I went for an interview at a blacksmiths the other day. "Have you ever shoed a horse?" he asked. "No but I've told a donkey to fuck off" I replied.

 

What do you do if you see a hun with half a face?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Stop laughing and reload.....!

Whats so good about shagging twenty-eight year olds

 

 

 

theres twenty of them

 

No, they're tighter!

 

 

 

What were the Jamaican Bobsleigh Team called before they were famous?

 

 

Niggers

 

 

sorry.

A 18yr old virgin.

She cant remember a thing.

No witnesses.

 

If Carlsberg did rapes...

News just in from America, the sale of pillow cases and scissors up by 75% today!

 

On a similar thread...

 

 

Obama has only been elected 2 hours and he has already helped the US economy...

 

 

 

 

 

...

 

 

 

 

 

...

 

 

 

 

 

Sales of white sheets, guns and ropes have gone through the roof!

Whats funnier than rape?

 

Being raped by a clown.

taken from another forum:

 

why do german showers have 11 holes in them?

 

Jews only have 10 fingers.

 

 

Whats the difference between a Jew and a bar of soap?

 

A bar of soap lasts longer in the shower

What's the difference between a Paki girl and an ice hockey player?

 

Ice hockey players change their pads after 4 periods.

How was the Grand Canyon formed?

An Aberdonian lost 1p. 

 

How was copper wire invented

2 Aberdonians fighting over a penny

Fuck me, that hotel murder mystery weekend in Mumbai was a bit over the fucking top!

Fuck me, that hotel murder mystery weekend in Mumbai was a bit over the fucking top!

 

NEWSFLASH - 200 Indians killed in a bomb attack in Bradford.

 

Reports at the scene say that both council houses are completely destroyed.

 

 

 

 

 

What's funnier than a dead baby?

A dead baby in a clown suit

 

What's black and blue and hates sex?

The five year old in my cupboard

 

What's pink and orange and lives at the bottom of a pool?

A baby with slashed armbands

 

What's white and bobs up and down a baby's cot?

A paedophile's bum

What are the McCann's getting for Christmas?

 

 

 

A smaller turkey.

 

 

 

 

 

 

What's white and bobs up and down a baby's cot?

A paedophile's bum

 

ha ha, that made me laugh!

A paedophile and a wee lassie are walking through the woods late at night , the wee lassie turns tae him and says "im scared"

the paedophile says " youre scared ? , ive got tae walk back along here on my own ".

Been chatting to a 14 year old girl on the internet. She is funny, sexy and flirty. Now she tells me she in an undercover cop. How cool is that at her age?

 

Very. This is class. Even my pretend wife laffed out loud.

Scientists warn that 500,000 weegies will die due to global warming.

 

On a more serious note, Douglas, the trombone player from the lurpak

advert has melted.

Scientists warn that 500,000 weegies will die due to global warming.

 

On a more serious note AFC's away support will be halved as a result.

 

 

Season's Greetings wuckfits.

 

 

What would you call the Flintstones if they were black?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Niggers.