Linford Christie goes to a golf club, nice day and he fancies a round. The man on the door stops him before he can get in. "Sorry mate, we don't let your type in here", "What do you mean my type?" Linford replies. "Just your type mate, but theres a club 30 minutes down the road that'll let you play". Linford is in shock and replies "Do you know who I am? I'm Linford fucking Christie"............ "Fucks sake fair enough, 10 minutes down the road you cheeky cunt"

 

 

 

What do hide and seek and rape have in common?

 

Ready or not, here I come.

What do hide and seek and rape have in common?

 

Read or not, here I come.

Awful.

 

What's the difference between Alan Shearer and Newcastle united?  Alan Shearer will be on match of the day next season.

Whats black and loves to fuck women?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Cervical cancer.

What do you get if you cross the atlantic with a french airbus?

 

About halfway.

 

 

For those of you who fancy a holiday with a difference.....

 

.....

 

 

 

 

.....

 

 

 

 

Air France are now doing flights to the Titanic.

What do you get if you cross the atlantic with a french airbus?

 

About halfway.

 

All Airbuses are French

A muslim has been shot in the head by a starting pistol.

 

Police have described the incident as race-related.

Paul McCartney was on the X factor on Sunday night playing the piano.

 

It was nice to see him fingering something with legs for a change.

My girlfriend couldn't work out the anagram "A praised hero". So I raped her.

 

 

I tried a new sexual position last night, it's called the JFK.I splatter all over her whilst she screams and tries to get out of the back of the motor.

Q: What do 9 out of 10 people enjoy?

 

A: Gang rape.

Going to a charity disco tonight in aid of women who were born with no legs. Quite looking forward to it- the dancefloor will be crawling with fanny!

How long does it take a black woman to take a shite?

 

 

9 months.

 

 

I like black people. I used to have some black friends until my dad sold them.

How long does it take a black woman to take a shite?

 

 

9 months.

 

 

I like black people. I used to have some black friends until my dad sold them.

 

Eh, great first post.

 

 

Haha, brilliant. Kinda reminds me of ...

 

Sorry, this one is compliments of the late Tommy Cooper...

 

Ireland’s worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery.

 

Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

Emile Heskey has been replaced in the England squad by a Cumbrian taxi driver.  Apparently he had more shots on target yesterday than Heskey had all season.

Helpful holiday advice from the cumbria tourist board:

For fuck sake remember and tip the taxi driver

 

 

Whats the quickest way to Scotland from Lancashire?

Just shoot your way through

Helpful holiday advice from the cumbria tourist board:

For fuck sake remember and tip the taxi driver

 

 

Whats the quickest way to Scotland from Lancashire?

Just shoot your way through

 

I have been waiting for jokes like these, surprisingly not heard any.

Got a tip for a horse today.

 

Cumbrian Cabbie.

 

It's a 12/1 shot.

12 dead and 25 injured. See what happens when you let a bird drive?

If a woman is uncomfortable watching you masturbate, do you think

 

1) You need more time together

2) She's a prude

3) She should have sat somewhere else on the bus

Cracking weather here today.

Minus 13 in Cumbria though.

Why do birds fly upside down over England?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

nothing worth shiting on!