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Un-PC jokes (If your easily offended don't open)


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Linford Christie goes to a golf club, nice day and he fancies a round. The man on the door stops him before he can get in. "Sorry mate, we don't let your type in here", "What do you mean my type?" Linford replies. "Just your type mate, but theres a club 30 minutes down the road that'll let you play". Linford is in shock and replies "Do you know who I am? I'm Linford fucking Christie"............ "Fucks sake fair enough, 10 minutes down the road you cheeky cunt"

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Doubt this joke will work due to hardly anyone knowing the former terrible Swindon winger Ricky Shakes who Paul Sturrock released on a freebie

 

Following the news this week about Paul Sturrock, we now know why he was so keen to get rid of Shakes.

 

 

 

 

Two Scotsmen are working on a building site in Glasgow, Jim & Tam. Jim turns to Tam & says,

 

'Av gotta take a piss, but there's nowhere to go, eh.'

 

'Walk oot tae the end of the plank,' replies Tam.

 

'I'll stand on this end & balance it.'

 

'Are you sure, Tam?'

 

'Aye, no worries'

 

'100%?'

 

'AYE!'

 

So out goes Jim to take a piss & the lunch siren sounds, Tam forgets what he's supposed to be doing & steps off the plank & Jim is a goner.

 

Several days later an Australian, a Frenchman & a Scotsman are sitting in a bar discussing which of their respective nations chase women the hardest...

 

The Aussie says,

 

'Mate I've been known to miss a piss up session down the Pub with me mates trying to crack on to sheilas!'

 

Pierre, the Frenchman says,

 

'No, No, No, Ve French chase ze women with much zest & give them gifts of love like French champagne to win their affection, it is us vor sure.'

 

Meanwhile Rab the Scotsman sits laughing & says,

 

'No, you blokes are both wrong, the other day I was walking past a building site in Glasgow following these 2 gorgeous looking birds, and this bloke came plummeting from the sky with his dick in his hand screaming,

 

 

 

'CUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNTTTTTTTTTT!!!'

 

 

 

 

What's pink and covered in cobwebs?

 

Madeline McCann's bike

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Two Scotsmen are working on a building site in Glasgow, Jim & Tam. Jim turns to Tam & says,

 

'Av gotta take a piss, but there's nowhere to go, eh.'

 

'Walk oot tae the end of the plank,' replies Tam.

 

'I'll stand on this end & balance it.'

 

'Are you sure, Tam?'

 

'Aye, no worries'

 

'100%?'

 

'AYE!'

 

So out goes Jim to take a piss & the lunch siren sounds, Tam forgets what he's supposed to be doing & steps off the plank & Jim is a goner.

 

Several days later an Australian, a Frenchman & a Scotsman are sitting in a bar discussing which of their respective nations chase women the hardest...

 

The Aussie says,

 

'Mate I've been known to miss a piss up session down the Pub with me mates trying to crack on to sheilas!'

 

Pierre, the Frenchman says,

 

'No, No, No, Ve French chase ze women with much zest & give them gifts of love like French champagne to win their affection, it is us vor sure.'

 

Meanwhile Rab the Scotsman sits laughing & says,

 

'No, you blokes are both wrong, the other day I was walking past a building site in Glasgow following these 2 gorgeous looking birds, and this bloke came plummeting from the sky with his dick in his hand screaming,

 

 

 

'CUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNTTTTTTTTTT!!!'

 

 

 

 

 

 

Haha, no idea why that made me laugh, but I almost spat out my beer.

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How do you confuse a paedophile?

 

Oranges.

 

 

What's the difference between an Dundee prostitute and a Cadbury's creme egg?

 

The creme egg is more expensive to lick out.

 

 

 

What's long and hard and makes women groan?

 

An Ironing Board.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Statistically 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape...

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How do you impregnate an Ethiopian?

 

Spunk on her feet and let the flies do the rest.

 

 

What's better than winning a gold medal in the Paralympics?

 

Not being disabled

 

 

What's Black and sits at the top of the stairs in a house fire?

 

Stephen Hawking

 

 

What's better than 7 babies in one bucket?

 

1 baby in 7 buckets

 

 

What's black and screams like fuck?

 

Stevie Wonder answering the iron.

 

 

What do you get when you put a baby in a blender ??

 

An erection

 

 

Whats funnier than a dead baby ?

 

Dead baby in a clown suit

 

 

What's black and doesn't work?

 

Half of London

 

 

My girlfriend called me a peadophile the other day.

 

I told her 'that's a very long word for a 6 year old!'

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This one is particularly sick!

 

A woman gives birth, and a nurse takes the baby into an adjacent room to clean it up. She re-enters and approaches the mother, the babe wrapped up in a towel in her arms.

 

"Congratulations," she says. "It's a healthy baby girl." As she says this, she accidentally drops the baby, which promptly lands right on its squishy noggin.

 

"My baby!" screams the mother.

 

"Don't worry, I'll get it!" smiles the nurse.

 

However, she unfortunately stumbles and places her foot right on the baby's face, before accidentally kicking it across the room. It hits the wall with a sickening crack before the nurse runs over to it, peels it off the floor and throws it out of the window.

 

"What are you doing?!" yells the mother.

 

"April Fools!" replies the nurse. "It was already dead!"

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My girlfriend called me a peadophile the other day.

 

I told her 'that's a very long word for a 6 year old!'

 

I told that one to my Modern Studies teacher a couple of years ago, she tried her best to stifle her laughing but you could tell she thought it was funny.

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"Un-PC jokes are fine, however usually best kept for close friends etc...

 

I was in a pub in the Aberdeen on Saturday night being a bit loud and told the following joke to the whole of the pub:

 

Question. "What do you do if an epileptic has a fit in the bath?"Answer: Throw your clothes in so they get a wash.

 

Yes I know, bang out of order and very cruel, but once the guffawing of my mates had died down, I became aware of a man on the other side of the bar. He looked quite choked and was talking to the landlord, who then came over and told me that the bloke at the bar had recently lost his son and that my joke had offended him. I approached him at the bar and offered my condolences for his loss and my apologies if my joke had upset him.

 

He said that the joke had got to him because his son was an epileptic and it was a fit that killed him. I felt absolutely awful but wondered as to how a fit could actually kill someone and the man said that his son had slipped and hit his head. I asked where his son had slipped and the man said it was in the bath. Bloody Hell! You can you imagine how bad I felt when I realised then how inappropriate my joke had been. I couldn't apologise enough but the guy was in tears. "Did your son hit his head on the bath then?" I asked.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"No," replied the man; "he choked on one of my socks".

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An elderly woman stopped me the other day because I'd parked my car in a handicapped space. She started moaning cos I was a perfectly able person taking up a space. She said "if you're going to park there, young man, you'd better tell me what your disability is or I'll have you reported to the local constabulary"

 

to which I replied:

 

"Tourette's Syndrome, you bitchy fuckin cunt"

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Paddy was telling his friend about his first parachute jump.

He said"we were at about 30,000 feetand one by one they jumped, it came to my turn, but i couldn't jump, untill this huge man pulled out his 12 inch todger" and said"if you don't jump i'm going to ram this right up your Ass"

paddy's friend said"well did you jump"

paddy said" only a little when he first stuck it in"!!!!!

 

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