Jokes

[mizer]

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/scotland/edinburgh_and_east/8216991.stm

 

Comedian Dan Antopolski has won a prize for the funniest joke of this year's Edinburgh Fringe.

 

The funnyman, who has previously been nominated for the Perrier award, picked up the trophy from TV channel Dave.

 

Nine comedy critics sat through thousands of jokes before choosing 27 for viewers to vote on.

 

The winning joke was a one-liner from 36-year-old Antopolski's show Silent But Deadly - "Hedgehogs. Why can't they just share the hedge?"

 

The Londoner proved popular with critics and viewers and another of his jokes made the top 10 list.

 

The Top 10 jokes were judged to be:

 

• 1) Dan Antopolski - "Hedgehogs - why can't they just share the hedge?"

 

• 2) Paddy Lennox - "I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: 'This could be interesting'."

 

• 3) Sarah Millican - "I had my boobs measured and bought a new bra. Now I call them Joe Cocker and Jennifer Warnes because they're up where they belong."

 

• 4) Zoe Lyons - "I went on a girls' night out recently. The invitation said 'dress to kill'. I went as Rose West."

 

• 5) Jack Whitehall - "I'm sure wherever my dad is; he's looking down on us. He's not dead, just very condescending."

 

• 6) Adam Hills - "Going to Starbucks for coffee is like going to prison for sex. You know you're going to get it, but it's going to be rough."

 

• 7) Marcus Brigstocke - "To the people who've got iPhones: you just bought one, you didn't invent it!"

 

• 8 ) Rhod Gilbert - "A spa hotel? It's like a normal hotel, only in reception there's a picture of a pebble."

 

• 9) Dan Antopolski - "I've been reading the news about there being a civil war in Madagascar. Well, I've seen it six times and there isn't."

 

• 10) Simon Brodkin (as Lee Nelson) - "I started so many fights at my school - I had that attention-deficit disorder. So I didn't finish a lot of them."

 

The judges also listed some of the worst jokes at this year's Fringe.

 

• Carey Marx - "I'm not doing any Michael Jackson jokes, because they always involve puns about his songs. And that's bad."

 

• Frank Woodley - "I phoned the swine flu hotline and all I got was crackling."

 

• Alex Maple - "Michael Jackson only invented the moonwalk so he could sneak up on children."

 

• Phil Nichol - "She's got a face like a rare Chinese vase - minging."

 

• Alistair McGowan - "I've just split up from my girlfriend, which is a shame, because it was a long-standing arrangement. Perhaps if we'd sat down a bit more..."

 

Anyone do any better?

[mizer]

yes.

 

[CtS]

yes.

 

I don't get it.

[Reekie_Red]

4) Zoe Lyons - "I went on a girls' night out recently. The invitation said 'dress to kill'. I went as Rose West."

 

:lolabove: Brilliant!

[dave_min]

Me neither.

 

Pregnant women eh

 

[Harcus]

Got a text earlier that said "BAGN"

 

I was fucking raging, it was bang out of order.

[minijc]

Boy just came to my house trying to sell a strip of velcro for £5, what a fucking rip off.

[Mentorred]

Rangers 1-4 Sevilla

[Penfold]

The kid next door challenged me to a water fight.

 

Just thought I'd post this while the kettle boils...

[glasgowdon]

Rangers 1-4 Sevilla

 

?

[Mentorred]

Rangers 1-4 Sevilla

?

 

Well it made me laugh

[Kowalski]

Stephen Gately has died.  Bummer.

[glasgowdon]

Stephen Gately has died.  Bummer.

 

[dave_min]

Gordon, Berra, Caldwell, McManus, Whittaker, Lee Wallace, Adam, Dorrans, Ross Wallace, Conway, Miller.

 

[Kowalski]

*NEWSFLASH*

The post mortem of Steven Gately has revealed that he had dried fruit up his arse.  Police think he's been date raped!

[minijc]

Haha

[mizer]

Dear Matt Lucas,

I am sorry to hear about the suicide of your ex. I for one find you very attractive and you remind me of my partner who sadly has also passed away.

 

If you want to hook up, give me a call.

 

Yours sincerely,

 

Jack Tweed

[mizer]

A man goes into the library in Arbroath and asks for a book on under-age dwarf sex. The librarian says, "How can you stoop so fucking low?". The man replies "Aye that's the one!"

[Kowalski]

Q. What's pink and goes round and round on a carousel?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A. Stephen Gately's suitcase.

[minijc]

That's shit but funny.

[Kowalski]

Does anyone know how to cancel a bid on e-Bay?

 

I put a bid in for a mickey mouse outfit and now I'm only six minutes away from owning fucking Rangers! 

[Reekie_Red]

There's three teams in the British football leagues that have rude words in them:

 

Arsenal, Scunthorpe and fucking Rangers!

 

[Kowalski]

I'm not one to criticise a professional goalkeeper, but I think Robert Enke should have come off the line a bit a quicker.

 

----------------------------------------

 

Apparently the coach of Hannover 96 told his team they were to take on Locomotiv in a friendly, but Robert Enke took it a bit too literally.

 

[Madbadteacher]

George Burley!

[Kowalski]

UEFA and the British Goverment have thanked Rangers for recreating the 1914 Christmas Day truce.

 

Not one short fired at the Germans.