Squashed into a tiny space barely big enough to move, no natural sunlight, and absolutely nothing to stimulate or entertain before the eventual slaughter. If Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall had ever sat in the Jerry Kerr Stand watching Aberdeen, he wouldn't be so bothered about those chickens.
Chicken is one of many words that could be used to describe this gruesome Dons display. Utterly heartless, completely devoid of even the most basic skill, thoroughly stupid, and those are the least unpleasant ones.
Jamie Langfield's patchy kicking has always threatened to cost the team a goal and the asinine opener signaled game over as his outfield teammates couldn't even trap a ball let alone get a shot on target. Even when presented with a penalty - rookie keepers don't have the nerve to stand their ground and be made to look silly. A second goal did not flatter a vastly superior United and the third, inevitable from the second the whistle blew for the free kick, put the dunce caps firmly on the Dons' heads.
Barry Robson will have been one of many Ronaldo impersonators to smash daisy-cutters under defensive walls this weekend; the bamboozled Aberdeen players clearly didn't watch Match Of The Day.
If his latest capture is any indication, Jimmy Calderwood's signing criteria seems to have become 'local and out of contract', so we can expect to see Annie Lennox joining up before the window closes. Steve Lovell already thinks he's a pop star, so the Dons may as well have a real one.
Sweet dreams are assuredly not made of this dross. Aber-deen have overachieved under Calderwood and players capable of serving up garbage like Saturday are not up to pushing the club to the next level. Jimmy has 10 days left to put his money where his mouth has been and if he fails he will, like the wasteful Nicholson, have unforgivably missed a golden opportunity.
