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Scottish League Cup

Sunday 10 July 2022 - kick-off 3pm

Peterhead v Aberdeen

Stand Free!

Letter to Aberdeen football club


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Got sent this at work, its a wee bit long but to the point. Sorry if its been posted before ;)






Please forward on to the relevant person….






Dear Aberdeen Football Club




On Wednesday of last week I purchased 2 Adult tickets for the Scottish Cup replay between Aberdeen FC and the mighty Dunfermline Athletic.  Having attended the fixtures against Bayern Munich, Copenhagen, East Fife, Manchester United (friendly), Fraserburgh (friendly), Liverpool (friendly) and Everton (friendly) in recent years it goes without saying that the chance to see Dunfermline, possibly one of Europe’s mightiest and most feared names, was an opportunity not to be missed.  You can appreciate that finding the £21 (including a £1 booking fee) to buy two tickets was incredibly difficult given the current economic predicament our country finds itself in.  I not only had to take on a second and third job, I also had to indulge in a wide variety of criminal activity (mugging old ladies, stealing from my friends, playing for Aberdeen Football Club and sending my sister out to work the streets) in order to come up with the required amount.  When the tickets eventually hit my doormat it’s safe to say I was so excited I nearly succumbed to a mild stroke……I was going to see the Athletic play at Pittodrie in the SCOTTISH CUP!!  How could I have been so lucky?  Forget your Euro Millions….this was my dream ticket!!




Sadly this brings me on to the reason for troubling such a busy and professionally run club such as yourself…..basically I am requiring a full refund (including the £1 booking fee).  Having endured what can only be described as one of the dullest, most limp-wristed, spineless, wet-pantied performances I have ever had the displeasure of viewing in nearly 27 years of being a living breathing human being I would say that a refund is fully justified.  I can back up my claim by quoting you a definition of the word “entertainment†(football is supposedly a branch of entertainment after all);




en·ter·tain·ment  (ntr-tnmnt)




1. The act of entertaining.


2. The art or field of entertaining.


3. Something that amuses, pleases, or diverts, especially a performance or show.


4. The pleasure afforded by being entertained; amusement: The comedian performed for our entertainment.


5. Archaic Maintenance; support.


6. Obsolete Employment.






Please can you tell me at what stage during last night’s proceedings were any of the above applicable?  Would you classify any of the following as entertainment?




·        Darren Mackie chasing the shadow of his imaginary friend all night – the poor confused mind of Darren has an inherent suspicion of space and time.  To Darren, space is a sinister creation of evil minds that are determined to imprison his precious talent.




·        Jamie Langfield kicking like he’d suddenly developed multiple sclerosis – he seemed to have it in for two people in particular (Main Stand just above the dug out on half way and South Stand beside the fence).  Was he auditioning for the new series of Groundforce?  He accompanied each successful touchfinder with a  spot of landscape gardening around his box.  Last night Jamie was a cross between Stephen Hawking, Bill Oddie and Alan Titsmarsh.




·        Two Professional footballers wilting under moderate pressure and missing penalties in front of their own fans.  If Angus the Bull can smash them in why can’t they?  Angus wears silly wee foam boots and still rockets them into the bottom corner!?  Perhaps “Tricky†“Ricky†Richard Foster experiments with other forms of penalty footwear in future such as flip flops, clogs, hiking boots or flippers  Exactly what is he doing here?  Clearly he’s been spending too much time with Titters, Langers and Odders.




·        Watching a six foot turd in a black and white shirt wandering about at half time – Dunfermlines mascot looks like the result of a nasty and painful trip to the little boys room.  Why was he given permission to encroach on to the field of play?




·        The entire matinee performance of Charlie Mulgrew.  For a man of such promising physical stature why is it that opponents half his size and build continuously outmuscle and outjump him?  I’ve seen a tin of sweetcorn stick up for itself with greater authority.




·        Our gameplan.  Physics is a wonderful and noble field and has been blessed by such greats as Newton, Einstein and Galileo.  These leviathans of history have given us theories on relativity, laws of gravity and kinematics……now step forward Sir Jimmy of Calderwood.  Clearly Sir Jimmy believes he can defy the laws of physics and has stumbled upon a new branch.  The theory of relativity states that E=MC2 where basically speaking energy equals mass multiplied by the speed of light.  Sir Jimmy disproves this theory by stating that G=M2xLB/T…….basically goals equals Mackie squared multiplied by the long ball divided by the tombola.  The laws of gravity do not exist in the Land of Jimmy.  Gravitational forces do not effect strikers measuring 6 feet or less therefore balls rocketed skyward can be controlled and cushioned at any point during the balls trajectory.  This eliminates the opposition selecting aging tall donkeys to mark our strikers.






A more appropriate definition of last nights action is as follows;




tor·ture  (tôrchr)






a. Infliction of severe physical pain as a means of punishment or coercion.


b. An instrument or a method for inflicting such pain.


2. Excruciating physical or mental pain; agony: the torture of waiting in suspense.


3. Something causing severe pain or anguish.


tr.v. tor·tured, tor·tur·ing, tor·tures


1. To subject (a person or an animal) to torture.


2. To bring great physical or mental pain upon (another). See Synonyms at afflict.


3. To twist or turn abnormally; distort: torture a rule to make it fit a case.






Under the terms of the Geneva Convention torture is illegal.  For your benefit (as a SPL club I’m sure you’ll be unaware of  the Geneva Convention) I have included the relevant passages which do prove that you were in breach of this convention and as such in breach of the terms of contract on the ticket I purchased.




. Persons taking no active part in the hostilities, including members of armed forces who have laid down their arms and those placed hors de combat by sickness, wounds, detention, or any other cause, shall in all circumstances be treated humanely, without any adverse distinction founded on race, colour, religion or faith, sex, birth or wealth, or any other similar criteria. – can you honestly say Aberdeen fans were treated humanely last night?  A bullet to the brain would have been preferential to watching Mackie et al.  Just because we’re Aberdeen supporters doesn’t mean we should be discriminated against.


To this end the following acts are and shall remain prohibited at any time and in any place whatsoever with respect to the above-mentioned persons:


(a) Violence to life and person, in particular murder of all kinds, mutilation, cruel treatment and torture; - last nights performance ticks all these boxes.


(b) Taking of hostages; - I admit to attending of my own free will last night but was then held hostage for 120 minutes.


© Outrages upon personal dignity, in particular, humiliating and degrading treatment; - Watching Bertrand Bossu warming classifies as humiliating and degrading treatment


(d) The passing of sentences and the carrying out of executions without previous judgment pronounced by a regularly constituted court affording all the judicial guarantees which are recognized as indispensable by civilized peoples. – Sir Jimmy Saville Calderwood cannot be recognized as an indispensable civilized person if he continues to rule that Darren Mackie is innocent of crimes against the art of striking.


2. The wounded and sick shall be collected and cared for. – although AFC employ what appears to be a small army of paramedics they offered me no care or attention in my hour of need.  I appreciate that the paramedics are extremely busy discussing the latest episodes of Eastenders with the on duty Police, ensuring their high visibility uniforms and helmets are well turned out for the cameras and keeping their extremely expensive stretchers free from blood and mud but surely they could respond to emergencies slightly faster.  What sort of injuries merit their assistance?  Decapitations?  Loss of limbs?  Bullet wounds?  I guess there is a potential for all such serious injuries given JC’s predilection for football of mass destruction.


Please do not take my request for a refund as the veiled rantings of an angry and bitter supporter.  I have long since given up hope that our club will return to its rightful place.  The aim of this letter was to try and recoup some of my hard earned money so that I can pursue other avenues of entertainment that would surpass what I witnessed last night. For £20 I could purchase an annual subscription to a stamp collecting magazine AND have enough money left over to buy a big mac or possibly even Darren Mackie (If you are reading this and think that stamp collecting would be preferable to associating yourself with an underperforming football club riddled with cowardice and underachievement then following this link http://www.royalmail.com/portal/stamps/jump1?catId=32200669&mediaId=32300677).


Yours sincerely (expecting his money back).








P.S.  I accept all major and minor credit cards in addition to cash.  I should remind you that pretend money will NOT constitute payment of my debt.  Furthermore a cheque from Stewart Milne will only be accepted upon completion of the due diligence done on his companies finances.





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