HE STILL doesn't understand it. Back in work, he knows he has to let it go but new Kilmarnock manager Jimmy Calderwood still can't rationalise his enforced departure from Aberdeen in the summer.
"I'm going to talk to you about this now and I'm sure I will be asked about it again next week before we play them, but after that I'm not going to talk about it any more. But it still hurts. I loved my time up there and I wasn't the only one at the club who was emotional that last day. I did a good job.
"The board still haven't given me a reason. Maybe they can't," he says with a shrug.
Maybe they think they don't need to. After all, whether it should be considered valid or not, the reason was splashed across internet sites, repeated time and again on radio phone-ins and newspaper hotlines and was the subject of morose mumbling among the Aberdeen faithful. They wanted cup success and he couldn't deliver.
"I never ducked those comments, I remember being at one of these fans' forums and being told by one person that he would rather have a cup final appearance than a place in the top six. He didn't even care if we won the cup final, he just wanted his day in the sun and (former Dons defender and Aberdeen Evening Express columnist] Stewart McKimmie agreed with him. I couldn't get my head around that. Top six meant more money, better games and the chance to get into Europe and I gave them top six every year and I'm very proud of that record and I think I'm right in saying, other than Aberdeen, only the Old Firm could boast that record during my time there."
It's a record he would dearly love to protect even though he has taken over a club immersed in a relegation fight. Rather than look down, he is looking up and with sixth-placed Aberdeen seven points above them, he has 14 games left to bridge that gap before the split. It's a big challenge but it's one he believes is also realistic. He wouldn't have contemplated taking on the role vacated by Jim Jefferies if he didn't, regardless of how keen he was to end his exile and how much his assistant Jimmy Nicholl was pestering him into accepting.
"It's my neck on the block, my reputation and I'm still very ambitious," he says. "I was desperate to get back into football, I was hating being out of it, but not that desperate that I would take just anything."
An evening's contemplation was needed, during which he studied the names of players at his disposal. In doing so he came to the conclusion that even with no money to bring in new faces, he had the personnel to move up the table. "There are good players at Kilmarnock and they shouldn't be where they are. That's no disrespect to Jim and Billy (Brown], who I have a lot of time for but maybe they just need to hear a different voice and get a bit of confidence back."
Having met the squad on Friday afternoon, he immediately laid down new ground rules, all designed to bolster a feeling on togetherness. Wee things really, but he wants them all travelling to away games together, instead of various pick-up points and a fragmented journey. At home matches he has told them no one leaves until 6.15pm. A room has been set aside for the players and staff and their families. "I did the same at Dunfermline and Aberdeen. If you don't, they all shoot off and I don't want that because that's where I can have a word with them after a game or they can have a chat with me. If they mess up they have to face their mates or the manager, and when we win we get to celebrate together. I think it's a good thing."
At the first training session, too, there was scope for optimism. "I was very impressed. I don't know if they train to that standard every day, but from now on they'd better. I told them that. They have now set their own standards."
A sociable type, Calderwood's drive is often underestimated. His fluid tactics are sometimes considered baffling or even suicidal, but he says that organising his teams is one of his strengths. "Making those changes works more than it doesn't but no one talks about those ones," he says. "And when I push more players forward, it's when we are already losing and trying to get back into the game. No, you can't commit suicide if you're already dead. I'm not being kamikaze, I'm fighting to give us a lifeline and take something from the game!"
His affability is definite but when it comes to the daily grind, there is no slacking, no Mr Nice Guy. "Jimmy and I have very big demands. I think that was one of the good things we learned when we went on our trip around Europe watching the training at Madrid, Barcelona, Bayern, Ajax, Manchester United. We learned that we have been doing a lot of things right. We demand a high tempo and high standards in training. We are always making demands of ourselves and our players and if people don't like it they can leave.
"Jimmy keeps a track of everything we do, every player we bring in or let go and I think he said we had 50-60 players during our time at Aberdeen. It helps freshen things up, and it's a reflection of those standards we set. But look at the players who react well to the demands, they've got the chance to go down south and do well for themselves."
That is still the aim for Calderwood. He did not hide the fact when he discussed his contract with Killie. He wanted a deal until the summer. No longer. After that he still hopes a job will become available in England. He has friends in high places and has made many good contacts while scouting for players.
"That's where I want to test myself. I had offers to go to places like Dubai and I could have had all the money and the cars and the lifestyle but I'm not ready for that yet, not while I still have my ambition. Imagine it, players turning up some days and not bothering other days, I couldn't deal with that. I want to win too much to accept that attitude. It would drive me mad."
No, being out the game for seven months has not made him crave the pipe and slippers or even a day sat by the pool with a bit of training in the evening sun. The enforced vacation has made him even hungrier for all the success he previously craved.
And he believes in himself and his inherited Kilmarnock squad. Much will depend on luck and he will need his best players fit but the rest is down to organisation, tough training and enhanced belief. His enthusiasm had threatened to wane as self-doubt nibbled at his synapses but, seeing his smile and his enthusiastic gesturing, listening to the infectious optimism about how it can all be made good, it's clear Jimmy Calderwood is back.
He smiles wryly as he acknowledges the ultimate irony would be a good cup run with Kilmarnock this season but he will not allow himself to look beyond tomorrow's fourth round tie against Falkirk. He has a fantasy idea of how the next few months will pan out, though. "I turn things around, take Kilmarnock up table and protect my record, then I'm off," he says with a theatrical wave of the hand. "Off to England and a new challenge. That would shut some people up." A fantasy at the moment… but no one will demand he turns it into reality more than the man himself.
http://scotlandonsunday.scotsman.com/sport/Jimmy-Calderwood39s-second-coming.5988951.